If you know me at all, you know that I struggle with the (non)relationship I have with my mother. We talk on the phone maybe 2 or 3 times a year, we IM each-other online maybe once a month … and that’s being generous. I’m constantly initiating contact (though I give her props… she did call me last time – with no dramatic agenda in mind!). We’ve seen each-other once since we moved away from her over a year ago. It’s not just me, either – she’s quit going to all family functions. Christmas, she says, is annoying and loud. Sad as it is … I’ve intentionally missed Christmas for the last two years myself – but my reason is because it’s quiet and depressing, not noisy and loud. Well, it’s potato or potahtoe.. whatever.
When we do “talk” (more like TYPE) to each-other, it’s superficial and awkward. I long for my mommy – the one that raised me up, the one that became my best friend, that helped me through relationships (hindsight – maybe not so much of a help, but she tried!) … she’s the one that I would go to when I had any little issue on my mind. If I had a bad day, I’d call my mommy. So – now that she’s somebody SO completely different – I can’t talk to her anymore. I feel like I don’t know her at all.
Today we had a short 5 minute IM session. “How are you all?” “Fine, and you?” “Fine..” Then she says the expected – that she’s contemplating some big life-changing decision (this time, it’s getting married and quitting her job.. like that’s something new). So I share with her that we are hoping for another kiddo – but that it’s been a year since we started trying so the outlook is not quite as promising. And she starts telling me to just relax, it’ll happen if it’s supposed to and … this is what really got me… she says “Maybe God decided that he can’t compete with what he already gave yous”
Holy shit – did my mom just say this? My immediate reaction SHOULD HAVE BEEN “Yes! That’s probably very true! We are indeed very lucky! That’s a great point! You’re right!” – and then naturally lead into conversation about God and all that..
Instead, my gut reaction was something like, “Who do you think your kidding? You’re just saying what I want to hear! Don’t try and preach gospel to me! Who do you think you are?”
So yes, I’ve stooped to her level of suspicion, bitterness and inward insecurity. We continued the conversation by me saying “yeah” and “uh huh” “yep” … and that was that. I hate that I can’t seem to let my mommy go. I need her so bad, but at the same time I don’t want her anymore. She isn’t the mommy that I know.
As I was trying to devise a way to change the subject, she went on to say that I just need to “relax and quit trying so hard.” That’s not unusual advice for someone that is TTC now is it? When I said – yep – she came back with “Like with Juila.. you wanted her SOO bad and she came when you relaxed about it.” Umm… mom – Julia came 6 weeks after we started trying. It’s not the advice that is getting on my nerves. It’s the lack of understanding. She used to be my number 1 fan. Now, she doesn’t understand me a lick. And it kills me inside.
Note to self: no more sex talk with mom – not even a simple “yep, we’re tryin’ again!”
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Well, on a lighter note (I can’t just leave it at that!!) Julia and I are playing hooky again today. I believe that she has some kinda chest/head cold thing – and it was a great excuse for both of us to stay home and recoup. She is getting better… she actually slept through the night! (Despite the early rising this morning, I am glad that we all got to sleep.) She has real sticky, thick, black diarrhea – no, you didn’t ask nor did you need to know that – but I have to share my yucky sorrows with SOMEBODY! (It’s gross. And it’s in PANTIES – the kind you have to swish around in the potty to clean them out before rinsing them twice and then washing them with a load of laundry… eeew… again, Sorry!)
I’m a little sickly myself.. just a head cold or something, thus indulging in lots of chocolate and green tea. I plan to clean the house and then spend the afternoon baking an apple pie (mmm) and painting or making playdoh with Julia. It’s a glorious day off!
Horray!
Or, maybe it was the English Major in me that didn’t want to end without a period. At any rate, this quote is from the section titled “Modern Translations of the Bible” from 
