Thursday Thirteen

Dear world,

I’m crabby, tired, and learning how to put up with little-to-no bullshit. I learned to stand up for myself just two and a half years ago… twenty six and a half years too late, but a helpfull bowl of knowledge nontheless. However, I can’t shake the constant self-doubt, I’m always my biggest critic – and I can be pretty mean sometimes. I have good friends, great faith, and a fabulous – couldn’t-be-more-perfect husband. But, I still get moody, cranky, bored and tired – and I’m entitled to my bad moods just as much as the next person. Herewithin you will find my Thursday 13 from the bitch dark not-as-chipper side…

1) There’s this thing we’ll call V that happened last year that I was in charge of at my work. Running it successfully is in my job description – it’s part of what I get paid to do. Last year, it was a whopping success, despite the bazillion little criticisms that were heard in both my ears throughout the whole event. I throughly enjoyed it – I enjoyed calling it my job – I enjoyed bringing people to the Good News – I enjoyed empowering others. This year, I had to hand over a big chunk of the responsiblity, in order to grow in discipleship with myself and with my church. Handing that over has not been easy. But, I gave it to two people – both of which seem entirely burdened by it. They wanted it – they didn’t even ask for it – they declared it theirs. I gave it up with a heavy heart. And now, I wish I could re-do.

2) One of them is out to get me. You can color me paranoid or overly-critical or whatever-else-you-wish … but I seriously think she’s out for me. Numerous comments have been made – NUMEROUS out-loud comments – that I should not have my job. That my job should be given to her little friend instead. I’m tired of it, it’s wearing me down and I’m finding myself having to remind myself of what this job is really all about. Love thy neighbor. Hold your enemies closer. Etc. I should not be put in a position where I have to defend my job in a church. Maybe God is up to something here?

3) I started this “Thursday Thirteen” list a week ago, and never wrote more than the first two…  Gee, makes me wonder – do you think I was still so very bitter about those two girls I wrote about in #1 and #2?  I’m better now, though still convinced that SHE is out to get me.

4) I’ll continue the list from the dark side – because I still have enough to gripe about.  All in all, life is decent – but we are all allowed to have a bad day or two.  My bad days don’t get all that bad, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bitch about them, right?

5) I have a hard time updating any blogs lately because of something I know that I cannot share.  It’s a very long story.

6) My mom told me that her “boyfriend” just bought a $30,000 5th wheeler.  Being the city girl that I am, I had to google “5th wheeler” … when I found out its a big honkin trailer where people can LIVE, I asked if she will now come visit us.  “Oh no, it’s for going to Arizona in someday” was her response.  Of course … what was I thinking?

7) My mom has not been out here yet.  We moved a year ago November… it’s about 10 hours away.  Most of the time, I don’t really care – becuase when she is around (if I remember correctly?) it was completely filled with depression and anxiety …  but every now and then, I’ll feel a hunger pang for my mommy.

8) Julia will be 3 years old in September, and I can count on one hand how many times she has seen my mom.  Sure, now it MIGHT be excusable – but before we moved out here, we lived 10 minutes away from her.  That’s just sad.

9)  I called in to work today.  I haven’t been feeling that great – but the body’s blues would probably go away with a big bottle of water and a little exercise.  Thing is, I’m getting tired of my boss.  I’ve loved her from the day I interviewed. She’s given me anything I’ve asked for (including less hours, more money, and new supplies for my classroom).  But, lately she seems to be kissing my butt – perhaps she knows I’m getting burned out already?

10) Yesterday, it was finally warm enough to shovel the 3 inches of snow that fell on our driveway a month ago.  That was sweet of hubby to shovel it yesterday, since we won’t see above freezing again for at least two weeks.

11) Yesterday, I walked Julia and Daisy to the park.  It was like 56 degrees outside – incredibly wacky weather for around here.  (Actually the weather reminded me of home … it should only get that warm for ONE DAY back in Colorado – that kinda luck just doesn’t happen around here!)  Nonetheless, we had fun slipping on the icy slush stuff, and playing on the slides.  I could leave this at that – with the warm fuzzies I had from yesterday, but this is supposed to be the Thursday Thirteen from the dark side.  Hmm… I will say that the 1/6th mile of a walk it is to the park seems MUCH longer right now than it did a year ago.  When we got home, I was zonked and crabby.

12) My bathroom needs cleaned.  I just cleaned out the fridge… well, halfway. I threw out all the old moldy stuff (eeeeew) but I need to wipe down the shelves still.  I need to clean the bathroom, wipe down the fridge, spray the table and countertops, sweep and mop the floor and do a load of laundry before 3pm.  It’s almost 12:30 and that means I’m gonna miss nap time today.  booooo

13) Rich had to work crazy hours last night.  We both hate when he has to do that.  He worked from like 11pm to 3am or something – and then he had to get up at normal time today to work a normal day at work.  Blah.  I hate his job sometimes.  I also hate that I find myself griping about it …  man, I’m glad it’s not me that has to get my ass outta bed to work those hours! (sorry honey)

Ok – I’m going to do my best to kick myself in the ass or slap myself around a bit to get outta this lousy slump.